Homecoming

It does feel like coming home, after being away for a long time.
I wouldn't do it any other way.

Snuff.

It's weird, because when David broke up with me I was like... I thought I would never do that to anyone. Like, breaking up with someone without an actual visible reason. But I just did it. And now I definitely get it. You can say that you can work through things even if you don't feel the same, but sometimes it's just not worth it. Sometimes you just know it won't be worth it in the end.

I still love Ricardo, but I can't do this right now. I'm not in love anymore, and I can't lie to myself anymore about that. Things have been going downhill from there and they would only be getting worst, and it's not worth it. It's not worth it when I'm only 17 and have a whole lot more to live. It could be worth it if I was 28 or 30 and wanted to get married and settle down. Then, sure, I probably would stick with him and make things work. But not right now.

I want to go through a "slut" phase, I want to go through a "forever alone" phase, I want to focus on school for a while, I want a lot of things that I can't have as long as I have a boyfriend.

And that's why I don't regret anything. It was probably the best fucking year of my life. But you need to know when it's time to end it. You need to know when it's time to leave.

And right now, it's time to leave. It's time for me not to hold on to it anymore, 'cause I don't need it now. I am strong enough to be alone. I am strong enough to do a lot of things. He made me trust myself a lot more, he made me be proud of myself a lot more, and I'll forever be grateful of that. But he deserves someone who cares.

"All I know is that I love you too much to walk away."

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that's alright because I love the way you lie."

Jimmy.

"I wish we had officially dated."
















I wish I knew what I mean to you,
what I used to mean to you,
what were we.

I wish I knew if you still think about me,
if there's a part of you that wants to go back there.

I wish I still knew you.
I wish we were the same.
I wish time went by slower.

I wish I had never met you,
then I wouldn't have to miss you.

I wish things had been different,
but I wouldn't make them any different if I went back.

I wish there was a chance,
but I know there isn't.

I wish I could trust myself.
I wish my thoughts didn't lead me there,
all the time.

I wish I had ever had you.
I wish I had ever understood you.

I wish you were mine.

What do you want to do with your life? Family, career, personal goals, etc.

well, I am still in an age where I like to daydream and think that what I daydream is possible. I do change my mind very often, though. I'd really like to pursue a career in diplomacy, and while I thought that it would be too hard to conciliate that with having a family, my mother has conveniently showed her interest in travel around the world with me to babysit her grandchildren. LOL. since I know that a career in diplomacy is not something that happens overnight, I'd like to be a translator aswell, or while I try to be a diplomat. Since portuguese is gaining more influence because of Brazil (and I can fake a brazilian accent if that's needed! LOL.), and I'm already fluent in English, I could be a portuguese translator in England or Usa, for example, but I'd also like to learn Chinese and Japanese. I just know it will be hard for me to become fluent at those languages if I start learning them at 18, without having much contact at all with either so far.
Family wise, as I said, I want to have kids. I'm not sure if I want to get married, but even if I don't actually get married, I want a partner. someone to be there for me and to grow old with.
Other than that, I'd like to travel as much as I can, really, and try to contribute to stoping racism and intolerance, and basically any prejudice in the world, in some way.
I guess that's pretty much all that I have right now. I'll build my future while it happens, nothing is written in stone yet.

Ask me anything

À minha maneira.

Eu gostava bastante que alguém me explicasse porque é que quando eu chego à festa o brasileiro está a gritar "Porto Alegre" como se não houvesse amanhã.

A única razão que encontro é que ele não tem grande amor à vida, porque a minha vontade foi dar-lhe um estalo para o calar.

Over You

Now that it's all said and done,

I can't believe you were the one
To build me up then tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
And What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me...

Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
I got over you,
I got over you,
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

A Day Late

For some reason sometimes I can't stop myself.
It's not even like I'm not over it yet.

In a way, he was and will always be more than a boyfriend, even if we never officially dated, and, like he himself says, he was never mine.
But at the same time, I get the same kind of nostalgia when thinking about him that I get when thinking about an ex. I know it's wrong to miss the love, caring, the touch, but I can't help it.

I go through pages and pages of his recent notes, trying to get every glampse of him that I can, just to make sure he's still there.
To make sure he's still the same person. The same one that I loved.
I need to know that he's not fading away. I need to know if he's still as I remember him.

Sometimes I talk about this with other people, sometimes I keep it to myself.
The only person who should be mad about it, Ricardo, is the one that understands me the most. And that makes me feel funny, because I could only expect him to be mad. I'm used to it.

I keep on making the same mistakes over and over again.
Self-injury in a physical way, doesn't hurt much. But I keep injuring myself everytime I look at his pictures, everytime I go through his notes, everytime I attempt to talk to him.

Why does it have to be this way?
I'm as sure as I can be that I don't have feelings for him anymore, so why?
I just want my friend back. And I can't have that.
I know that I can't. Because with that comes so much more that I just can't handle...

I'm weak. I'm much too weak. I wish, I really wish I could handle him.
I can't.

I surround myself with people that treat me well, that spoil me sometimes, because my own dissertations are already too much for me to handle.
I spend half my days trying not to think.
I can't have someone to make me think even more. I can't.
But I want it. I want someone who can relate. I want someone to make me feel like I'm not absolutely crazy for some stuff. I need someone to wake me up sometimes.

I need him. So badly right now.
But I just can't.

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/ritadani

Open Your Eyes.

"Lately, I'm not quite myself,

Maybe, I do need some time,
Just my confusion, trust my delusion,
Don't you regret you met me,
Go through these steps to get me
Back to where we start, before I fall apart..."


I just wish someone would understand just how bad this has become.
Just how close I am to being completely fucked up.
I can even imagine how fucked up I would be by now if I lived on my own.
I hope I never live on my own, or else I think I would die.
But at the same time, I want it, because I want that power, I want to have that control over my life, I want to be able to do all the shit that I know it's hurting me and everyone that loves me, but just feels kinda good inside.
Starving feels good. It feels like I acomplished something. Not that I ever tried it for very long. But skipping a meal feels empowering, and I kinda wish I could do it more often.
I really, really miss cutting. It would take my mind away from everything, and I loved to see the blood. I feel so close to relapsing and I know the only reason that it hasn't happened yet is because I would never, ever, betray and hurt Ricardo that way. Not him. He deserves more. He deserves better than me. He deserves someone he doesn't need to calm down every week.
I hate bursting in tears on the phone for no reason. I just wish I could have a hug to make it all feel better. But I don't. I really don't have anyone here to hug me when I'm down, right now.
Ricardo is much too far away, and how I hate that. David lately kinda ignores me and even when he doesn't, he is clueless about what to do. I have no idea when was it that he stopped getting me, but he did. He can't see right through me anymore, and I really miss that.

There's really so much that I miss... I miss things being simple, more than anything.

I miss the time when I had nothing to worry about, really. Damn, I made the biggest troubles by myself back then.
I still do that, a bit.
Well, I didn't change that much.

Perfeita Simetria

até parece que consigo ouvir.

O teu maior defeito
Talvez seja a perfeição
Tuas virtudes
Talvez não tenham solução
Então pegue o telefone
Ou um avião
Deixe de lado
Os compromissos marcados
Perdoa o que puder ser perdoado
Esquece o que não tiver perdão
E vamos voltar aquele lugar
vamos voltar

eu não consigo enterrar o passado.

e odeio-me por isso.

Must Have Done Something Right

"Your boyfriend looks like he's out of your league."

now thank you. absolutely THANK YOU. /irony

I hate to be so crushed by stuff like this. I know I do deserve him. I know I do deserve to be happy. But I'm also aware that he is definitely more than I can afford.

I've always had the hottest guys as my boyfriends and I never quite figured WHY. Better, I always had the hottest boyfriends who had no idea they were hot until they dated me. I'm always the one to make them see it. And once they see it, they become even hotter, and they realize how much of a piece of shit I really am, and how much better they deserve.

So in the end, that's probably why I'm always sure that everyone will leave me.

I don't care who the fuck wrote the forsmpring, but you nailed it. Straight onto my weak spot. Because I'm perfectly aware that he keeps doing more and more things for me and I can't give him anything back.

But he loves me. I know he does. I know he's true in everything he tells me. And you know what? YES, I am VERY lucky to have him. But I do have him. He's mine, he loves me, he's faithful, he's perfect. And it already took me more than 4 damn months to really believe that, don't make me doubt it again when I was finally starting to let myself be loved. PLEASE. Because I do deserve this. I may not be perfect, but I do think I'm pretty, and I do think I'm worth it.

I'm grateful to have him, I recognize how lucky I am, thank you. We love each other, that's what matters.

Fall for Anything

Girl that brings you down, down, down

Don't give yourself away
Don't live your life that way
Of course he's gonna say, anything you want
Then leave quicker than he came
Now you've got yourself to blame
Don't put yourself back in the fire again

It's the same damn things you're so quick to believe
You do it over and over again
And it's the same mistakes that I'm watching you weave
You do it over and over again
So before they bring you down

You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything

Girl that brings you down, down, down

Please don't be so naïve, don't wait till your heart bleeds
Love wasn't built for speed, listen to me girl
He keeps fuckin' with your head, tryna get you into bed
And in the morning you'll just hate yourself
It's the same damn things you're so quick to believe
You do it over and over again
And it's the same mistakes that I'm watching you make
You do it over and over again and over again
So before they bring you down

You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything

Girl that brings you down, down, down

And you give until there's nothing to give
Until there's nothing to give until there's nothing to give...
Before they break you down

You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
Before they bring you down
Cos Girl they'll bring you down, down, down

So Damn Clever.

Acording to my sister I'm aparently a shity girlfriend and I like to fuck with people's minds.

Ironic how the one person she seems to think that I played with, was the same person who fucking played with my feeling for almost 4 years now, the same person that made me a wreck, the same person that made me give so much of myself that nothing I ever do is enough anymore. The same person that made me fall in and out of love repeatedly, that made me spend sleepless nights crying, that made me doubt ALL of my relationships so far, that made me grow up imensily because I NEEDED to. The same person who was ALWAYS playing games with MY mind.

So I'm messing up with James's mind because I sent him a fucking email, and being unfaithful to Ricardo because of that aswell. Lovely. IT WAS JUST A FUCKING EMAIL.

And probably now I'm doing even worst since obviously at least James is going to read this, and blame himself over everything, like he always does, but even more because I'm blaming him myself. Yaba-daba-doo.



So yeah, I am such a terrible person.
I guess I learned that through time.

4st 7lbs

I can't deal with this right now. I can't deal with my jeans not fitting and being fat right now.

No matter how often you tell me I'm beautiful and healthy, I don't feel healthy. I feel obese. I'm (not so slowly) going back to how I was before, weight wise, even if I'm supposedly a lot healthier now.

I can't be healthier. If I was healthier, that would reflect on my body. I want my body from last year back. I want to be thinner than I was last year. I want to be tiny. I want to be lifted like a feather. I want to put on any clothes and look effortless beautiful. I want to be pale and cold and fragile looking.

Yep, I'm going back there. And I won't let myself be stopped. I can't.






Happy 2010.