"Lately, I'm not quite myself,
Maybe, I do need some time,
Just my confusion, trust my delusion,
Don't you regret you met me,
Go through these steps to get me
Back to where we start, before I fall apart..."
I just wish someone would understand just how bad this has become.
Just how close I am to being completely fucked up.
I can even imagine how fucked up I would be by now if I lived on my own.
I hope I never live on my own, or else I think I would die.
But at the same time, I want it, because I want that power, I want to have that control over my life, I want to be able to do all the shit that I know it's hurting me and everyone that loves me, but just feels kinda good inside.
Starving feels good. It feels like I acomplished something. Not that I ever tried it for very long. But skipping a meal feels empowering, and I kinda wish I could do it more often.
I really, really miss cutting. It would take my mind away from everything, and I loved to see the blood. I feel so close to relapsing and I know the only reason that it hasn't happened yet is because I would never, ever, betray and hurt Ricardo that way. Not him. He deserves more. He deserves better than me. He deserves someone he doesn't need to calm down every week.
I hate bursting in tears on the phone for no reason. I just wish I could have a hug to make it all feel better. But I don't. I really don't have anyone here to hug me when I'm down, right now.
Ricardo is much too far away, and how I hate that. David lately kinda ignores me and even when he doesn't, he is clueless about what to do. I have no idea when was it that he stopped getting me, but he did. He can't see right through me anymore, and I really miss that.
There's really so much that I miss... I miss things being simple, more than anything.
I miss the time when I had nothing to worry about, really. Damn, I made the biggest troubles by myself back then.
I still do that, a bit.
Well, I didn't change that much.
Just my confusion, trust my delusion,
Don't you regret you met me,
Go through these steps to get me
Back to where we start, before I fall apart..."
I just wish someone would understand just how bad this has become.
Just how close I am to being completely fucked up.
I can even imagine how fucked up I would be by now if I lived on my own.
I hope I never live on my own, or else I think I would die.
But at the same time, I want it, because I want that power, I want to have that control over my life, I want to be able to do all the shit that I know it's hurting me and everyone that loves me, but just feels kinda good inside.
Starving feels good. It feels like I acomplished something. Not that I ever tried it for very long. But skipping a meal feels empowering, and I kinda wish I could do it more often.
I really, really miss cutting. It would take my mind away from everything, and I loved to see the blood. I feel so close to relapsing and I know the only reason that it hasn't happened yet is because I would never, ever, betray and hurt Ricardo that way. Not him. He deserves more. He deserves better than me. He deserves someone he doesn't need to calm down every week.
I hate bursting in tears on the phone for no reason. I just wish I could have a hug to make it all feel better. But I don't. I really don't have anyone here to hug me when I'm down, right now.
Ricardo is much too far away, and how I hate that. David lately kinda ignores me and even when he doesn't, he is clueless about what to do. I have no idea when was it that he stopped getting me, but he did. He can't see right through me anymore, and I really miss that.
There's really so much that I miss... I miss things being simple, more than anything.
I miss the time when I had nothing to worry about, really. Damn, I made the biggest troubles by myself back then.
I still do that, a bit.
Well, I didn't change that much.
