Snuff.

It's weird, because when David broke up with me I was like... I thought I would never do that to anyone. Like, breaking up with someone without an actual visible reason. But I just did it. And now I definitely get it. You can say that you can work through things even if you don't feel the same, but sometimes it's just not worth it. Sometimes you just know it won't be worth it in the end.

I still love Ricardo, but I can't do this right now. I'm not in love anymore, and I can't lie to myself anymore about that. Things have been going downhill from there and they would only be getting worst, and it's not worth it. It's not worth it when I'm only 17 and have a whole lot more to live. It could be worth it if I was 28 or 30 and wanted to get married and settle down. Then, sure, I probably would stick with him and make things work. But not right now.

I want to go through a "slut" phase, I want to go through a "forever alone" phase, I want to focus on school for a while, I want a lot of things that I can't have as long as I have a boyfriend.

And that's why I don't regret anything. It was probably the best fucking year of my life. But you need to know when it's time to end it. You need to know when it's time to leave.

And right now, it's time to leave. It's time for me not to hold on to it anymore, 'cause I don't need it now. I am strong enough to be alone. I am strong enough to do a lot of things. He made me trust myself a lot more, he made me be proud of myself a lot more, and I'll forever be grateful of that. But he deserves someone who cares.

"All I know is that I love you too much to walk away."

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that's alright because I love the way you lie."

Jimmy.

"I wish we had officially dated."
















I wish I knew what I mean to you,
what I used to mean to you,
what were we.

I wish I knew if you still think about me,
if there's a part of you that wants to go back there.

I wish I still knew you.
I wish we were the same.
I wish time went by slower.

I wish I had never met you,
then I wouldn't have to miss you.

I wish things had been different,
but I wouldn't make them any different if I went back.

I wish there was a chance,
but I know there isn't.

I wish I could trust myself.
I wish my thoughts didn't lead me there,
all the time.

I wish I had ever had you.
I wish I had ever understood you.

I wish you were mine.

What do you want to do with your life? Family, career, personal goals, etc.

well, I am still in an age where I like to daydream and think that what I daydream is possible. I do change my mind very often, though. I'd really like to pursue a career in diplomacy, and while I thought that it would be too hard to conciliate that with having a family, my mother has conveniently showed her interest in travel around the world with me to babysit her grandchildren. LOL. since I know that a career in diplomacy is not something that happens overnight, I'd like to be a translator aswell, or while I try to be a diplomat. Since portuguese is gaining more influence because of Brazil (and I can fake a brazilian accent if that's needed! LOL.), and I'm already fluent in English, I could be a portuguese translator in England or Usa, for example, but I'd also like to learn Chinese and Japanese. I just know it will be hard for me to become fluent at those languages if I start learning them at 18, without having much contact at all with either so far.
Family wise, as I said, I want to have kids. I'm not sure if I want to get married, but even if I don't actually get married, I want a partner. someone to be there for me and to grow old with.
Other than that, I'd like to travel as much as I can, really, and try to contribute to stoping racism and intolerance, and basically any prejudice in the world, in some way.
I guess that's pretty much all that I have right now. I'll build my future while it happens, nothing is written in stone yet.

Ask me anything

À minha maneira.

Eu gostava bastante que alguém me explicasse porque é que quando eu chego à festa o brasileiro está a gritar "Porto Alegre" como se não houvesse amanhã.

A única razão que encontro é que ele não tem grande amor à vida, porque a minha vontade foi dar-lhe um estalo para o calar.

Over You

Now that it's all said and done,

I can't believe you were the one
To build me up then tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
And What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me...

Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you

You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.

Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.

Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.

Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
I got over you,
I got over you,
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,

I got over you.

A Day Late

For some reason sometimes I can't stop myself.
It's not even like I'm not over it yet.

In a way, he was and will always be more than a boyfriend, even if we never officially dated, and, like he himself says, he was never mine.
But at the same time, I get the same kind of nostalgia when thinking about him that I get when thinking about an ex. I know it's wrong to miss the love, caring, the touch, but I can't help it.

I go through pages and pages of his recent notes, trying to get every glampse of him that I can, just to make sure he's still there.
To make sure he's still the same person. The same one that I loved.
I need to know that he's not fading away. I need to know if he's still as I remember him.

Sometimes I talk about this with other people, sometimes I keep it to myself.
The only person who should be mad about it, Ricardo, is the one that understands me the most. And that makes me feel funny, because I could only expect him to be mad. I'm used to it.

I keep on making the same mistakes over and over again.
Self-injury in a physical way, doesn't hurt much. But I keep injuring myself everytime I look at his pictures, everytime I go through his notes, everytime I attempt to talk to him.

Why does it have to be this way?
I'm as sure as I can be that I don't have feelings for him anymore, so why?
I just want my friend back. And I can't have that.
I know that I can't. Because with that comes so much more that I just can't handle...

I'm weak. I'm much too weak. I wish, I really wish I could handle him.
I can't.

I surround myself with people that treat me well, that spoil me sometimes, because my own dissertations are already too much for me to handle.
I spend half my days trying not to think.
I can't have someone to make me think even more. I can't.
But I want it. I want someone who can relate. I want someone to make me feel like I'm not absolutely crazy for some stuff. I need someone to wake me up sometimes.

I need him. So badly right now.
But I just can't.