.

I still read everything you write and pretend it's really about me, even though I know it's not.

The End.

If it is over, there is no reason for this blog anymore.

You always knew, better than me, that the whole purpose of this blog was to keep you updated on how I was doing, since nobody else came here at all.

Life is good and you don't have to worry.

I love you. Our love was the strangest thing I've ever experienced in my life, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over it and just love someone else the same way.

I still need to be with you. As soon as I can. I made that promise, and I need that.
It won't be over until we meet in person. That's the only thing I need to feel safe enough to close this chapter.

Thank you for everything. You filled my heart with passion and my mind with thoughts. I wasn't always happy, but I felt alive. I know that when I look back into my life, those late night talks will be on the back of my mind.

Thank you. It's time for me to leave, now.
Next time we talk, I'll be at your door. I don't know when will that be, but I can guarantee you that.

"And in the darkest nights if my memory serves me right I'll never turn back time, forgetting you but not the time."

Lisbon Revisited

"Ó mágoa revisitada, Lisboa de outrora de hoje!
Nada me dais, nada me tirais, nada sois que eu me sinta.
Deixem-me em paz! Não tardo, que eu nunca tardo...
E enquanto tarda o Abismo e o Silêncio quero estar sozinho!"
1923/2006

"Outra vez te revejo,
Mas, ai, a mim não me revejo!
Partiu-se o espelho mágico em que me revia idêntico,
E em cada fragmento fatídico vejo só um bocado de mim -
Um bocado de ti e de mim!..."
1926/2011

Wicked Game

O que doi mais sao as brigas que nao tivemos. Como aquela por eu ter chegado tarde sem avisar, ou por me teres visto a trocar olhares com outro rapaz. O que doi mais sao as vezes que nao me encostaste a parede, as vezes que nao ficamos a olhar um para o outro sem saber o que dizer. O que doi mais sao os sorrisos que eu nao vi, as lagrimas que nao pude limpar. Aqueles dias frios em que nao vimos filmes e aquelas vezes em que nao fomos passear.
O que doi mais é o que nao tivemos, e doi mais ainda porque o que nao foi ja nunca sera. Pode-se repetir, mas nunca voltar. O que passou, ja foi.
E o que doi mais nao é nao estar contigo agora ou nao saber quando vou estar. O que doi mais é nao ter estado.

Homecoming

It does feel like coming home, after being away for a long time.
I wouldn't do it any other way.

"All I know is that I love you too much to walk away."

"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that's alright because I love the way you lie."

Jimmy.

"I wish we had officially dated."
















I wish I knew what I mean to you,
what I used to mean to you,
what were we.

I wish I knew if you still think about me,
if there's a part of you that wants to go back there.

I wish I still knew you.
I wish we were the same.
I wish time went by slower.

I wish I had never met you,
then I wouldn't have to miss you.

I wish things had been different,
but I wouldn't make them any different if I went back.

I wish there was a chance,
but I know there isn't.

I wish I could trust myself.
I wish my thoughts didn't lead me there,
all the time.

I wish I had ever had you.
I wish I had ever understood you.

I wish you were mine.

À minha maneira.

Eu gostava bastante que alguém me explicasse porque é que quando eu chego à festa o brasileiro está a gritar "Porto Alegre" como se não houvesse amanhã.

A única razão que encontro é que ele não tem grande amor à vida, porque a minha vontade foi dar-lhe um estalo para o calar.

A Day Late

For some reason sometimes I can't stop myself.
It's not even like I'm not over it yet.

In a way, he was and will always be more than a boyfriend, even if we never officially dated, and, like he himself says, he was never mine.
But at the same time, I get the same kind of nostalgia when thinking about him that I get when thinking about an ex. I know it's wrong to miss the love, caring, the touch, but I can't help it.

I go through pages and pages of his recent notes, trying to get every glampse of him that I can, just to make sure he's still there.
To make sure he's still the same person. The same one that I loved.
I need to know that he's not fading away. I need to know if he's still as I remember him.

Sometimes I talk about this with other people, sometimes I keep it to myself.
The only person who should be mad about it, Ricardo, is the one that understands me the most. And that makes me feel funny, because I could only expect him to be mad. I'm used to it.

I keep on making the same mistakes over and over again.
Self-injury in a physical way, doesn't hurt much. But I keep injuring myself everytime I look at his pictures, everytime I go through his notes, everytime I attempt to talk to him.

Why does it have to be this way?
I'm as sure as I can be that I don't have feelings for him anymore, so why?
I just want my friend back. And I can't have that.
I know that I can't. Because with that comes so much more that I just can't handle...

I'm weak. I'm much too weak. I wish, I really wish I could handle him.
I can't.

I surround myself with people that treat me well, that spoil me sometimes, because my own dissertations are already too much for me to handle.
I spend half my days trying not to think.
I can't have someone to make me think even more. I can't.
But I want it. I want someone who can relate. I want someone to make me feel like I'm not absolutely crazy for some stuff. I need someone to wake me up sometimes.

I need him. So badly right now.
But I just can't.

Perfeita Simetria

até parece que consigo ouvir.

O teu maior defeito
Talvez seja a perfeição
Tuas virtudes
Talvez não tenham solução
Então pegue o telefone
Ou um avião
Deixe de lado
Os compromissos marcados
Perdoa o que puder ser perdoado
Esquece o que não tiver perdão
E vamos voltar aquele lugar
vamos voltar

eu não consigo enterrar o passado.

e odeio-me por isso.

Fall for Anything

Girl that brings you down, down, down

Don't give yourself away
Don't live your life that way
Of course he's gonna say, anything you want
Then leave quicker than he came
Now you've got yourself to blame
Don't put yourself back in the fire again

It's the same damn things you're so quick to believe
You do it over and over again
And it's the same mistakes that I'm watching you weave
You do it over and over again
So before they bring you down

You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything

Girl that brings you down, down, down

Please don't be so naïve, don't wait till your heart bleeds
Love wasn't built for speed, listen to me girl
He keeps fuckin' with your head, tryna get you into bed
And in the morning you'll just hate yourself
It's the same damn things you're so quick to believe
You do it over and over again
And it's the same mistakes that I'm watching you make
You do it over and over again and over again
So before they bring you down

You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything

Girl that brings you down, down, down

And you give until there's nothing to give
Until there's nothing to give until there's nothing to give...
Before they break you down

You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
Before they bring you down
Cos Girl they'll bring you down, down, down

So Damn Clever.

Acording to my sister I'm aparently a shity girlfriend and I like to fuck with people's minds.

Ironic how the one person she seems to think that I played with, was the same person who fucking played with my feeling for almost 4 years now, the same person that made me a wreck, the same person that made me give so much of myself that nothing I ever do is enough anymore. The same person that made me fall in and out of love repeatedly, that made me spend sleepless nights crying, that made me doubt ALL of my relationships so far, that made me grow up imensily because I NEEDED to. The same person who was ALWAYS playing games with MY mind.

So I'm messing up with James's mind because I sent him a fucking email, and being unfaithful to Ricardo because of that aswell. Lovely. IT WAS JUST A FUCKING EMAIL.

And probably now I'm doing even worst since obviously at least James is going to read this, and blame himself over everything, like he always does, but even more because I'm blaming him myself. Yaba-daba-doo.



So yeah, I am such a terrible person.
I guess I learned that through time.

I should've known better

I don't even understand how could I ever think it would be any different.

Or if I did think that at all.

Maybe this was exactly what I wanted. Because let's face it, I needed some drama in my life. And this is the best way to get some of it, right?

So long ago.

Eu quero sentir a presença dele. Mesmo a discutir. Mesmo que no fim eu me sinta miseravel outra vez.

Eu sei que consigo viver sem ele.

Mas eu não sei se quero.

Tenho saudades, admito. Mesmo que ele me fizesse sentir mal comigo mesma. Mesmo que eu nunca faça ideia de como lidar com ele.

Continua a ser parte de mim. Uma grande parte.

Eu sei que não devia. Eu sei que me vou sentir pior.

Não sei se o faça ou não.

/vent.