Obrigação/Meu Amor Não Fiques Para Aí A Dormir

Jorge Palma

Sim, meu amor, está bem meu amor
eu sei que tu tens razão
- dizia-te eu, às vezes, para acabar
com a discussão...

E lá íamos vivendo,
entre dois copos e um bom colchão,
um futuro à nossa frente e muito amor para mostrar a toda a gente.

Como era bem vivermos a dois sem nos darmos mal
(uma canção estrangeira e um filme antigo
no telejornal),
e uma noite tu disseste:
já dei p´ra ti meu... vou arrancar!
E lá fiquei eu, sozinho,
a conversar com os meus botões e a tentar
descobrir a causa
que nos levou a tal situação...
Já achei uma ideia que é bem capaz
de ser a solução:
Acho que nós passamos muito tempo a misturar tripas com coração e a verdade é bem diferente. Para haver amor não pode haver o-briga-ção.


Meu amor,
parece que eu agora vou seguir sem ti
subir e descer, correr na lama e voar outra vez...

sei muito bem onde quero chegar
e sei que não há tempo a perder
- que a tua voz me possa encorajar!

Meu amor, agora não fiques para ai a dormir...
Um fato de marinheiro não chega para se entender o mar.

Espero que aprendas bem a remar
e espero que a luz do teu farol
te possa sempre iluminar!

Snuff.

It's weird, because when David broke up with me I was like... I thought I would never do that to anyone. Like, breaking up with someone without an actual visible reason. But I just did it. And now I definitely get it. You can say that you can work through things even if you don't feel the same, but sometimes it's just not worth it. Sometimes you just know it won't be worth it in the end.

I still love Ricardo, but I can't do this right now. I'm not in love anymore, and I can't lie to myself anymore about that. Things have been going downhill from there and they would only be getting worst, and it's not worth it. It's not worth it when I'm only 17 and have a whole lot more to live. It could be worth it if I was 28 or 30 and wanted to get married and settle down. Then, sure, I probably would stick with him and make things work. But not right now.

I want to go through a "slut" phase, I want to go through a "forever alone" phase, I want to focus on school for a while, I want a lot of things that I can't have as long as I have a boyfriend.

And that's why I don't regret anything. It was probably the best fucking year of my life. But you need to know when it's time to end it. You need to know when it's time to leave.

And right now, it's time to leave. It's time for me not to hold on to it anymore, 'cause I don't need it now. I am strong enough to be alone. I am strong enough to do a lot of things. He made me trust myself a lot more, he made me be proud of myself a lot more, and I'll forever be grateful of that. But he deserves someone who cares.

Open Your Eyes.

"Lately, I'm not quite myself,

Maybe, I do need some time,
Just my confusion, trust my delusion,
Don't you regret you met me,
Go through these steps to get me
Back to where we start, before I fall apart..."


I just wish someone would understand just how bad this has become.
Just how close I am to being completely fucked up.
I can even imagine how fucked up I would be by now if I lived on my own.
I hope I never live on my own, or else I think I would die.
But at the same time, I want it, because I want that power, I want to have that control over my life, I want to be able to do all the shit that I know it's hurting me and everyone that loves me, but just feels kinda good inside.
Starving feels good. It feels like I acomplished something. Not that I ever tried it for very long. But skipping a meal feels empowering, and I kinda wish I could do it more often.
I really, really miss cutting. It would take my mind away from everything, and I loved to see the blood. I feel so close to relapsing and I know the only reason that it hasn't happened yet is because I would never, ever, betray and hurt Ricardo that way. Not him. He deserves more. He deserves better than me. He deserves someone he doesn't need to calm down every week.
I hate bursting in tears on the phone for no reason. I just wish I could have a hug to make it all feel better. But I don't. I really don't have anyone here to hug me when I'm down, right now.
Ricardo is much too far away, and how I hate that. David lately kinda ignores me and even when he doesn't, he is clueless about what to do. I have no idea when was it that he stopped getting me, but he did. He can't see right through me anymore, and I really miss that.

There's really so much that I miss... I miss things being simple, more than anything.

I miss the time when I had nothing to worry about, really. Damn, I made the biggest troubles by myself back then.
I still do that, a bit.
Well, I didn't change that much.

Must Have Done Something Right

"Your boyfriend looks like he's out of your league."

now thank you. absolutely THANK YOU. /irony

I hate to be so crushed by stuff like this. I know I do deserve him. I know I do deserve to be happy. But I'm also aware that he is definitely more than I can afford.

I've always had the hottest guys as my boyfriends and I never quite figured WHY. Better, I always had the hottest boyfriends who had no idea they were hot until they dated me. I'm always the one to make them see it. And once they see it, they become even hotter, and they realize how much of a piece of shit I really am, and how much better they deserve.

So in the end, that's probably why I'm always sure that everyone will leave me.

I don't care who the fuck wrote the forsmpring, but you nailed it. Straight onto my weak spot. Because I'm perfectly aware that he keeps doing more and more things for me and I can't give him anything back.

But he loves me. I know he does. I know he's true in everything he tells me. And you know what? YES, I am VERY lucky to have him. But I do have him. He's mine, he loves me, he's faithful, he's perfect. And it already took me more than 4 damn months to really believe that, don't make me doubt it again when I was finally starting to let myself be loved. PLEASE. Because I do deserve this. I may not be perfect, but I do think I'm pretty, and I do think I'm worth it.

I'm grateful to have him, I recognize how lucky I am, thank you. We love each other, that's what matters.

So Damn Clever.

Acording to my sister I'm aparently a shity girlfriend and I like to fuck with people's minds.

Ironic how the one person she seems to think that I played with, was the same person who fucking played with my feeling for almost 4 years now, the same person that made me a wreck, the same person that made me give so much of myself that nothing I ever do is enough anymore. The same person that made me fall in and out of love repeatedly, that made me spend sleepless nights crying, that made me doubt ALL of my relationships so far, that made me grow up imensily because I NEEDED to. The same person who was ALWAYS playing games with MY mind.

So I'm messing up with James's mind because I sent him a fucking email, and being unfaithful to Ricardo because of that aswell. Lovely. IT WAS JUST A FUCKING EMAIL.

And probably now I'm doing even worst since obviously at least James is going to read this, and blame himself over everything, like he always does, but even more because I'm blaming him myself. Yaba-daba-doo.



So yeah, I am such a terrible person.
I guess I learned that through time.

I need you

Sometimes what I need is way more than words. Not all the words in the world could mean as much as laying on your arms, some days. 'Cause I don't have anything to say. I can't excuse myself for what I do. I don't know why I do it, and you being here would probably don't change a thing. I binge 'cause I feel empty, I restrict later because I feel too full, I cut because I'm a failure and I need some kind of punishment. I don't want anybody's pity, I just want someone to yell at me and beg me to stop. I want someone to force me to stop. To literally yell at me telling me I AM worth it, that I am NOT a failure.
I just need something. I need security. I need to know you're mine and I need to know you're keeping me despite how messed up I already am and how messed up I will become. I need to be sure that your eyes shine when you say my name.
I could find a milion reasons to love you, but none would be more important than having someone that loves me.

{found on my Math's notebook, it is old, from a few weeks ago. but... still makes sense.}

Who I am hates who I've been.

"I talk to absolutely no one.
Couldn't keep to myself enough.
And the things bottled inside have finally begun
to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up.

I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart,
and I was positive that unless I got myself together,
I would watch me fall apart."

I feel like now, almost more than ever, I need a break. I know it's been worse. I know I should be feeling better, but that, on itself, can make me feel worst. Because everyone expects me to feel better. Everyone expects me to be all bubbly now I have a boyfriend. And I'm not even sure if I want this yet. He's the most amazing guy I've met, he treats me like I deserve to be treated, but I just don't know if I want that. Sometimes it's just too good and I can't stand it. I don't like it when things are just so certain. I can't stand to know exactly who it will happen. I know I can make this last for virtually as long as I want to. And that scares the hell out of me. Because that means that I can make mistakes. And I'm not used to that. I'm used to being shouted out and yelled at with every tiny mistake that I make. I'm used to being told that I need to think more, to be smarter, to work harder. With everything. And in a way, I like the challenge. It breaks me apart, makes me a wreck, but I like it. In a way, I like to feel miserable. I feel like I deserve it, since I've had such an easy life so far.

I feel like I can't even fail the right way. I can't have a full blown-out ED, I obcess about food as much as an anorexic, but I fat, huge, and I just keep gaining weight, because I just can't do it right and be consistent with either not eating or eating normally. I can't be a real cutter because I barely scratch my skin when I do cut, which I do with damn scissors, I can't even get myself to use a blade. I can't fail completely at music lessons, because I still get to pass. Barely, but I do. And I definitely can't fail as a girlfriend because no matter what I say, I can't hurt him. I can't get myself to do it. Not this time. He's just too special. And when I ridiculously try to attempt to it, he just forgives me. And I can't deal with that. I either have to be the best or the worst, I can't deal with averegeness.

Sometimes I still feel like I should die. I don't think anyone notices me that much. Despite being kinda "popular", I feel like no one knows me. Everyone imagines me as something that I am not, and sometimes I just can't fake it anymore. Because I fake it everyday. Everytime someone asks if everything is ok. Because people ask about how do I cope with everything, and I say I just manage to do it. But truth is, I don't. I can't cope with this. I break down so often, but I just can't get a hold on myself. Not anymore. Because holding on and manage to do it is what is expected from me.

And everyone is too blind to see that I'm not ok. And even if they notice it, they just ignore it, because the fact that I'm not ok would mean that I'm not perfect, that I'm broken, and that I couldn't be as promissing anymore, that I couldn't be so successful anymore, because no one would want me if I was broken. But I am. There IS something wrong. And I know it. And I just want someone to see it aswell. Not "see" it and ask me if I'm doing better, but realize that it won't get better that easily. That I'm not just faking this, and that I can't just stop, no matter how kind are your words, no matter how much information I have. It's something from inside and I just can't get myself together that easily. I need help. I'm aware of that. When will other people see it?

Green Eyes

Whenever I start to push you away, that's when I need you the most.
So please, don't you ever fucking leave me.

Addict.

Odeio a minha personalidade obcessiva. Duvido que alguém quisesse sequer tentar falar comigo se soubesse as proporções que ela atinge.

Ultimamente eu simplesmente não POSSO ir a um centro comercial. Quinta-feira fui à baixa com a minha mãe enquanto esperava pela hora da consulta, pois é claro que tive de encontrar alguma coisa para comprar. Ontem fomos tentar a sorte com os bilhetes de U2 (sem sorte, btw) e é CLARO que já estava pronta para comprar algo outra vez. Damn, odeio ver-me como consumista e vaidosa. Mas sou. E agora cada vez que compro alguma coisa sinto-me culpada por ele. Porque não é justo eu gastar tanto dinheiro como se nada fosse e ele ter de estar a poupar. =S Mas nem isso me consegue travar... Eu tenho TANTA roupa. E verdade seja dita, uso-a toda. Mas mesmo assim... Nem sequer tenho TEMPO para a usar toda. A não ser que troque de roupa todos os dias, e a minha mãe matava-me se eu fizesse isso, com a pilha de roupa que ela tinha de passar a ferro depois.

Adiante. Eu já me conheço e sei como eu fico quando me apaixono. E sim, eu estou assim. E eu tenho medo de deixar isso transparecer. Porque eu não quero que ele se assuste. Porque eu assusto-me comigo própria, e assusto-me com ele quando ele se começa a comportar dessa forma. Eu sei que é ridiculo eu pedir espaço quando ele mora a 100 km. Quer dizer, como é que eu podia ter mais espaço que isto? Mas para mim é sufocante o suficiente ter de justificar cada vez que não mando uma mensagem ou não quero telefonar. É a única coisa que não gosto de namorar. Apesar de eu fazer o mesmo, e saber que é só preocupação. Mas não gosto dessa insegurança. Eu sou honesta, se eu quisesse acabar tudo, se eu achasse que não valia a pena, eu dizia. Não o evitava. Se eu estivesse a curtir com outro rapaz, não o ia dizer, obviamente. Mas também não ia servir de nada mandar mil mensagens.

Por falar em curtir com outro rapaz, o David está a pensar entrar para a Filarmónica. Por um lado, damn, é CLARO que adoro ter razoes para passar mais tempo com o meu melhor amigo. Mas por outro lado, passar aquelas noitadas que nós fazemos volta e meia quando temos saídas, com o meu ex-namorado... é perigoso. extremamente perigoso. Principalmente quando o dito ex-namorado é podre de bom e confessou que me acha sexy. Great. Mas bem, eu sei que é com o Ricardo que eu quero estar. Só posso esperar que eu pense um pouco antes de me deixar levar. Porque eu ia arrepender-me imensamente se acontecesse alguma coisa entre mim e o David. Por todas as razões e mais algumas.

Eu escrevo aqui como se ninguém fosse ler. O que provavelmente é verdade. LOL. Mas de qualquer forma, se alguém conhecido ler isto, fantástico, sabem finalmente como eu sou de verdade. Eu sei, não é tão agradável como a Rita que conhecem, certo? =]

Live with it.

28 de Setembro de 2009.

Não, não tenho andado com vontade de escrever.
Nem sequer de ler, quanto mais.

Não estive bem, apetecia-me escrever sobre isso, mas não consigo achar nenhum local seguro o suficiente para o fazer. Nem a mim própria consigo confessar o que realmente me preocupa. Porque é algo que tem tão pouco a ver comigo que é simplesmente absurdo para qualquer pessoa que eu fale de peso, calorias ou exercicio. E mais não digo.

Acho que estou a apanhar o hábito de usar datas como títulos. As datas importantes. 28 de Setembro será um aniversário, se eu conseguir que dure tanto. A última aventura séria só chegou a 9 meses, mas eu era mais nova e ele também. Não poderia ter sido de outra forma. Eu quero que dure. Mas é dificil. Desde sempre que soube que ia passar por isto mais cedo ou mais tarde. Aliás, de certa maneira assim que soube que não haveria mais nada com o David, tive a certeza que a próxima vez que me apaixonasse, não seria por alguém de Mortágua. É conhecido o meu desprezo por esta cidade, por muito que agora já quase me sinta em casa aqui, finalmente.

O que quer que tenha acontecido com o Jorge no início do Verão, foi um muito atrasado "rebound", que eu vinha a desejar havia mais de um ano. Podia ter resultado, mas o mais certo era acontecer o que aconteceu.

O Ricardo tem tudo para ser o tal. Se não fosse assim, não me teria metido nisto. Ele arrepia-me. Ele conhece-me. Ele faz-me sentir bem. E não é o meu melhor amigo de infância. Como sempre tenho a impressão que se alguem recuar vou ser eu, mas já tinha essa impressao com o David e nao foi o caso. Não sei. Acho que demoro a entregar-me completamente, porque tenho medo precisamente disso. Recuo e fecho-me em copas porque sei que quando me entrego, não vejo mais nada. Basta perguntar a quem já me viu apaixonada.

Eu costumava achar adoravel relações à distãncia. E sim, eu sou ingénua. Não é adorável. É estupidamente doloroso. Passaram DUAS SEMANAS. Só. E eu quero-o. Quero-o com todas as minhas forças.

Eu mereço isto.