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Ask me anything http://formspring.me/ritadani

Open Your Eyes.

"Lately, I'm not quite myself,

Maybe, I do need some time,
Just my confusion, trust my delusion,
Don't you regret you met me,
Go through these steps to get me
Back to where we start, before I fall apart..."


I just wish someone would understand just how bad this has become.
Just how close I am to being completely fucked up.
I can even imagine how fucked up I would be by now if I lived on my own.
I hope I never live on my own, or else I think I would die.
But at the same time, I want it, because I want that power, I want to have that control over my life, I want to be able to do all the shit that I know it's hurting me and everyone that loves me, but just feels kinda good inside.
Starving feels good. It feels like I acomplished something. Not that I ever tried it for very long. But skipping a meal feels empowering, and I kinda wish I could do it more often.
I really, really miss cutting. It would take my mind away from everything, and I loved to see the blood. I feel so close to relapsing and I know the only reason that it hasn't happened yet is because I would never, ever, betray and hurt Ricardo that way. Not him. He deserves more. He deserves better than me. He deserves someone he doesn't need to calm down every week.
I hate bursting in tears on the phone for no reason. I just wish I could have a hug to make it all feel better. But I don't. I really don't have anyone here to hug me when I'm down, right now.
Ricardo is much too far away, and how I hate that. David lately kinda ignores me and even when he doesn't, he is clueless about what to do. I have no idea when was it that he stopped getting me, but he did. He can't see right through me anymore, and I really miss that.

There's really so much that I miss... I miss things being simple, more than anything.

I miss the time when I had nothing to worry about, really. Damn, I made the biggest troubles by myself back then.
I still do that, a bit.
Well, I didn't change that much.

Perfeita Simetria

até parece que consigo ouvir.

O teu maior defeito
Talvez seja a perfeição
Tuas virtudes
Talvez não tenham solução
Então pegue o telefone
Ou um avião
Deixe de lado
Os compromissos marcados
Perdoa o que puder ser perdoado
Esquece o que não tiver perdão
E vamos voltar aquele lugar
vamos voltar

eu não consigo enterrar o passado.

e odeio-me por isso.

Must Have Done Something Right

"Your boyfriend looks like he's out of your league."

now thank you. absolutely THANK YOU. /irony

I hate to be so crushed by stuff like this. I know I do deserve him. I know I do deserve to be happy. But I'm also aware that he is definitely more than I can afford.

I've always had the hottest guys as my boyfriends and I never quite figured WHY. Better, I always had the hottest boyfriends who had no idea they were hot until they dated me. I'm always the one to make them see it. And once they see it, they become even hotter, and they realize how much of a piece of shit I really am, and how much better they deserve.

So in the end, that's probably why I'm always sure that everyone will leave me.

I don't care who the fuck wrote the forsmpring, but you nailed it. Straight onto my weak spot. Because I'm perfectly aware that he keeps doing more and more things for me and I can't give him anything back.

But he loves me. I know he does. I know he's true in everything he tells me. And you know what? YES, I am VERY lucky to have him. But I do have him. He's mine, he loves me, he's faithful, he's perfect. And it already took me more than 4 damn months to really believe that, don't make me doubt it again when I was finally starting to let myself be loved. PLEASE. Because I do deserve this. I may not be perfect, but I do think I'm pretty, and I do think I'm worth it.

I'm grateful to have him, I recognize how lucky I am, thank you. We love each other, that's what matters.

Fall for Anything

Girl that brings you down, down, down

Don't give yourself away
Don't live your life that way
Of course he's gonna say, anything you want
Then leave quicker than he came
Now you've got yourself to blame
Don't put yourself back in the fire again

It's the same damn things you're so quick to believe
You do it over and over again
And it's the same mistakes that I'm watching you weave
You do it over and over again
So before they bring you down

You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything

Girl that brings you down, down, down

Please don't be so naïve, don't wait till your heart bleeds
Love wasn't built for speed, listen to me girl
He keeps fuckin' with your head, tryna get you into bed
And in the morning you'll just hate yourself
It's the same damn things you're so quick to believe
You do it over and over again
And it's the same mistakes that I'm watching you make
You do it over and over again and over again
So before they bring you down

You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything

Girl that brings you down, down, down

And you give until there's nothing to give
Until there's nothing to give until there's nothing to give...
Before they break you down

You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything
Before they bring you down
Cos Girl they'll bring you down, down, down

So Damn Clever.

Acording to my sister I'm aparently a shity girlfriend and I like to fuck with people's minds.

Ironic how the one person she seems to think that I played with, was the same person who fucking played with my feeling for almost 4 years now, the same person that made me a wreck, the same person that made me give so much of myself that nothing I ever do is enough anymore. The same person that made me fall in and out of love repeatedly, that made me spend sleepless nights crying, that made me doubt ALL of my relationships so far, that made me grow up imensily because I NEEDED to. The same person who was ALWAYS playing games with MY mind.

So I'm messing up with James's mind because I sent him a fucking email, and being unfaithful to Ricardo because of that aswell. Lovely. IT WAS JUST A FUCKING EMAIL.

And probably now I'm doing even worst since obviously at least James is going to read this, and blame himself over everything, like he always does, but even more because I'm blaming him myself. Yaba-daba-doo.



So yeah, I am such a terrible person.
I guess I learned that through time.

4st 7lbs

I can't deal with this right now. I can't deal with my jeans not fitting and being fat right now.

No matter how often you tell me I'm beautiful and healthy, I don't feel healthy. I feel obese. I'm (not so slowly) going back to how I was before, weight wise, even if I'm supposedly a lot healthier now.

I can't be healthier. If I was healthier, that would reflect on my body. I want my body from last year back. I want to be thinner than I was last year. I want to be tiny. I want to be lifted like a feather. I want to put on any clothes and look effortless beautiful. I want to be pale and cold and fragile looking.

Yep, I'm going back there. And I won't let myself be stopped. I can't.






Happy 2010.