Eu já nem sei mais o que eu quero.
Só sei que vem aquela saudade de repente, eu nem sei bem do quê... mas eu só queria que fosse tudo como antes.
Só que eu já nem sei quando era o antes...
Então eu acho que quero que seja tudo como depois.
20111121
Casa Pré-Fabricada
Eu já nem sei mais o que eu quero.
Só sei que vem aquela saudade de repente, eu nem sei bem do quê... mas eu só queria que fosse tudo como antes.
Só que eu já nem sei quando era o antes...
Então eu acho que quero que seja tudo como depois.
20110608
20110417
20110302
The End.
If it is over, there is no reason for this blog anymore.
You always knew, better than me, that the whole purpose of this blog was to keep you updated on how I was doing, since nobody else came here at all.
Life is good and you don't have to worry.
I love you. Our love was the strangest thing I've ever experienced in my life, and I don't know if I'll ever be able to get over it and just love someone else the same way.
I still need to be with you. As soon as I can. I made that promise, and I need that.
It won't be over until we meet in person. That's the only thing I need to feel safe enough to close this chapter.
Thank you for everything. You filled my heart with passion and my mind with thoughts. I wasn't always happy, but I felt alive. I know that when I look back into my life, those late night talks will be on the back of my mind.
Thank you. It's time for me to leave, now.
Next time we talk, I'll be at your door. I don't know when will that be, but I can guarantee you that.
"And in the darkest nights if my memory serves me right I'll never turn back time, forgetting you but not the time."
20110218
Lisbon Revisited
"Ó mágoa revisitada, Lisboa de outrora de hoje!
Nada me dais, nada me tirais, nada sois que eu me sinta.
Deixem-me em paz! Não tardo, que eu nunca tardo...
E enquanto tarda o Abismo e o Silêncio quero estar sozinho!"
1923/2006
"Outra vez te revejo,
Mas, ai, a mim não me revejo!
Partiu-se o espelho mágico em que me revia idêntico,
E em cada fragmento fatídico vejo só um bocado de mim -
Um bocado de ti e de mim!..."
1926/2011
20110205
Farewell, Alexander Search, 1907
"Farewell, farewell for ever!
I cannot more remain;
Far wider things our hearts do sever
Than continent or main -
Pride and distance and inaptness
To feel each other's joy, distress.
Farewell, farewell for ever!
Be it not said by thee
My heart was weaker, thy heart braver
In mutual misery.
But parted were we, be it said,
As are the living from the dead.
Farewell, farewell for ever!
Since love leaves not behind
Not even friendship, nor endeavour,
Nor sorrow wild or kind...
'Tis fit indeed those souls be parted
That cannot e'er be broken-hearted.
Farewell, farewell for ever!
'Tis time this thing were done,
When love is cold which was a fever
And vulgar as a stone,
When life from woe to woe doth flee
And change itself is misery."
I cannot more remain;
Far wider things our hearts do sever
Than continent or main -
Pride and distance and inaptness
To feel each other's joy, distress.
Farewell, farewell for ever!
Be it not said by thee
My heart was weaker, thy heart braver
In mutual misery.
But parted were we, be it said,
As are the living from the dead.
Farewell, farewell for ever!
Since love leaves not behind
Not even friendship, nor endeavour,
Nor sorrow wild or kind...
'Tis fit indeed those souls be parted
That cannot e'er be broken-hearted.
Farewell, farewell for ever!
'Tis time this thing were done,
When love is cold which was a fever
And vulgar as a stone,
When life from woe to woe doth flee
And change itself is misery."
Souvenir, by Alexander Search, 1904 *
“How sweetly sad it is sometimes to hear
Some old loved sound to memory recalled,
To see, as if in dreams, some old dear face,
Some landscape’s stretch, some field, some dale, some stream,
A memory so sudden, sad and pleasent,
Aught that recalls the days of happy youth.
Then spring in happy pain the tears that wait,
Those subtle tears that wait on thought, and all -
Field, stream and voice - all that we hear or see -
Goes from the sense, adorned with mem’ry’s hand
And merges slowly into dreamy light.
I wake; alas! by dreams I was betrayed.
‘Tis but a semblance that I feel and hear
Because the past, alas! cannot return.
These fields are not the fields I knew, these sounds
Are not the sounds I knew; all those are gone,
And all the past - alas! cannot return.”
*which pretty much means: Pessoa wrote this fucking awesome shit at 16.
Some old loved sound to memory recalled,
To see, as if in dreams, some old dear face,
Some landscape’s stretch, some field, some dale, some stream,
A memory so sudden, sad and pleasent,
Aught that recalls the days of happy youth.
Then spring in happy pain the tears that wait,
Those subtle tears that wait on thought, and all -
Field, stream and voice - all that we hear or see -
Goes from the sense, adorned with mem’ry’s hand
And merges slowly into dreamy light.
I wake; alas! by dreams I was betrayed.
‘Tis but a semblance that I feel and hear
Because the past, alas! cannot return.
These fields are not the fields I knew, these sounds
Are not the sounds I knew; all those are gone,
And all the past - alas! cannot return.”
*which pretty much means: Pessoa wrote this fucking awesome shit at 16.
20110120
Slumdog Millionaire
What makes it worth to live?
Is it love?
Is it money?
Is it the never ending quest for happiness?
Or is it all just about the same in the end?
We justify ourselves in many different ways.
I'm a real master at making up excuses.
But if no one knows what are we here for, what is keeping us from enjoying life?
Poets, musicians, actors, have made history with their lives.
They were not even given a chance to speak out about it.
What makes us believe that the poetry we read on our English classes, the music we play, the life stories we read about people that are now dead, would please the ones who can't speak for themselves now?
Why is it, that we assume everybody wants to be famous?
Do they?
Do you?
What makes them more suitable for it?
A different life?
A special talent?
Luck?
Why is it that when we watch a completely crazy love story in the cinema, we always root for the protagonists, we always want them to be together in the end, but we would never advice a friend to do such craziness for a loved one?
Why do those things always seem incredibly far away, like it could never actually be true for someone like us?
Why is it that everyone tears their eyes when watching a love story, of a boy and a girl who wait for years for each other, and yet
I'm sure no one would ever support me if I decided to get on a plane right now?
We all like to dream.
Why do we get scared when we're a part of it?
Is it love?
Is it money?
Is it the never ending quest for happiness?
Or is it all just about the same in the end?
We justify ourselves in many different ways.
I'm a real master at making up excuses.
But if no one knows what are we here for, what is keeping us from enjoying life?
Poets, musicians, actors, have made history with their lives.
They were not even given a chance to speak out about it.
What makes us believe that the poetry we read on our English classes, the music we play, the life stories we read about people that are now dead, would please the ones who can't speak for themselves now?
Why is it, that we assume everybody wants to be famous?
Do they?
Do you?
What makes them more suitable for it?
A different life?
A special talent?
Luck?
Why is it that when we watch a completely crazy love story in the cinema, we always root for the protagonists, we always want them to be together in the end, but we would never advice a friend to do such craziness for a loved one?
Why do those things always seem incredibly far away, like it could never actually be true for someone like us?
Why is it that everyone tears their eyes when watching a love story, of a boy and a girl who wait for years for each other, and yet
I'm sure no one would ever support me if I decided to get on a plane right now?
We all like to dream.
Why do we get scared when we're a part of it?
20110113
Obrigação/Meu Amor Não Fiques Para Aí A Dormir
Jorge Palma
Sim, meu amor, está bem meu amor
eu sei que tu tens razão
- dizia-te eu, às vezes, para acabar
com a discussão...
E lá íamos vivendo,
entre dois copos e um bom colchão,
um futuro à nossa frente e muito amor para mostrar a toda a gente.
Como era bem vivermos a dois sem nos darmos mal
(uma canção estrangeira e um filme antigo
no telejornal),
e uma noite tu disseste:
já dei p´ra ti meu... vou arrancar!
E lá fiquei eu, sozinho,
a conversar com os meus botões e a tentar
descobrir a causa
que nos levou a tal situação...
Já achei uma ideia que é bem capaz
de ser a solução:
Acho que nós passamos muito tempo a misturar tripas com coração e a verdade é bem diferente. Para haver amor não pode haver o-briga-ção.
Meu amor,
parece que eu agora vou seguir sem ti
subir e descer, correr na lama e voar outra vez...
sei muito bem onde quero chegar
e sei que não há tempo a perder
- que a tua voz me possa encorajar!
Meu amor, agora não fiques para ai a dormir...
Um fato de marinheiro não chega para se entender o mar.
Espero que aprendas bem a remar
e espero que a luz do teu farol
te possa sempre iluminar!
eu sei que tu tens razão
- dizia-te eu, às vezes, para acabar
com a discussão...
E lá íamos vivendo,
entre dois copos e um bom colchão,
um futuro à nossa frente e muito amor para mostrar a toda a gente.
Como era bem vivermos a dois sem nos darmos mal
(uma canção estrangeira e um filme antigo
no telejornal),
e uma noite tu disseste:
já dei p´ra ti meu... vou arrancar!
E lá fiquei eu, sozinho,
a conversar com os meus botões e a tentar
descobrir a causa
que nos levou a tal situação...
Já achei uma ideia que é bem capaz
de ser a solução:
Acho que nós passamos muito tempo a misturar tripas com coração e a verdade é bem diferente. Para haver amor não pode haver o-briga-ção.
Meu amor,
parece que eu agora vou seguir sem ti
subir e descer, correr na lama e voar outra vez...
sei muito bem onde quero chegar
e sei que não há tempo a perder
- que a tua voz me possa encorajar!
Meu amor, agora não fiques para ai a dormir...
Um fato de marinheiro não chega para se entender o mar.
Espero que aprendas bem a remar
e espero que a luz do teu farol
te possa sempre iluminar!
20110109
As vidas dos outros
Há algo que me preocupa imenso nas pessoas, e é o facto de elas se preocuparem imenso com a vida dos outros.
Deixa-me especialmente irritada basearem a opinião que têm de alguém no numero de pessoas com quem curtiu ou fodeu. Como se fossem proporções opostas. Cada um sabe de si. Cada um sabe o que quer. Só porque alguns querem alguém para casar, não é razão para outros não quererem simplesmente alguém com quem se divertir.
E eu já fiz parte desse coro! Há uns meros 2 anos atrás, era eu quem me queixava de andarem aos beijos sem quererem nada sério um com o outro! Mas aprendi que a maneira como eu vejo as coisas não tem de ser a maneira como todos vêm. Aprendi que há quem esteja mais confortável sem ter nada sério e há quem só se sinta bem sabendo que há um futuro com a outra pessoa. Não faz com que uma opção seja mais válida do que a outra.
Preocupa-me ainda que se estiverem ao pé de mim a dizer mal de alguém por ter curtido com 30 numa noite ou fodido com o outro depois de 3 minutos de conversa todos concordem comigo quando digo que não vejo nada de mal nisso desde que os dois queiram o mesmo. Para mim só mostra que ninguém tem realmente opinião quanto a nada.
Enfim, só um desabafo. Acho que já é altura de acabar com esses preconceitos e tabus, mas mais do que isso, acho que todos deviam mas é olhar para os seus próprios problemas e não para os dos outros, ou ainda, criar problemas a quem nunca os teve.
Deixa-me especialmente irritada basearem a opinião que têm de alguém no numero de pessoas com quem curtiu ou fodeu. Como se fossem proporções opostas. Cada um sabe de si. Cada um sabe o que quer. Só porque alguns querem alguém para casar, não é razão para outros não quererem simplesmente alguém com quem se divertir.
E eu já fiz parte desse coro! Há uns meros 2 anos atrás, era eu quem me queixava de andarem aos beijos sem quererem nada sério um com o outro! Mas aprendi que a maneira como eu vejo as coisas não tem de ser a maneira como todos vêm. Aprendi que há quem esteja mais confortável sem ter nada sério e há quem só se sinta bem sabendo que há um futuro com a outra pessoa. Não faz com que uma opção seja mais válida do que a outra.
Preocupa-me ainda que se estiverem ao pé de mim a dizer mal de alguém por ter curtido com 30 numa noite ou fodido com o outro depois de 3 minutos de conversa todos concordem comigo quando digo que não vejo nada de mal nisso desde que os dois queiram o mesmo. Para mim só mostra que ninguém tem realmente opinião quanto a nada.
Enfim, só um desabafo. Acho que já é altura de acabar com esses preconceitos e tabus, mas mais do que isso, acho que todos deviam mas é olhar para os seus próprios problemas e não para os dos outros, ou ainda, criar problemas a quem nunca os teve.
20110108
Wicked Game
O que doi mais sao as brigas que nao tivemos. Como aquela por eu ter chegado tarde sem avisar, ou por me teres visto a trocar olhares com outro rapaz. O que doi mais sao as vezes que nao me encostaste a parede, as vezes que nao ficamos a olhar um para o outro sem saber o que dizer. O que doi mais sao os sorrisos que eu nao vi, as lagrimas que nao pude limpar. Aqueles dias frios em que nao vimos filmes e aquelas vezes em que nao fomos passear.
O que doi mais é o que nao tivemos, e doi mais ainda porque o que nao foi ja nunca sera. Pode-se repetir, mas nunca voltar. O que passou, ja foi.
E o que doi mais nao é nao estar contigo agora ou nao saber quando vou estar. O que doi mais é nao ter estado.
O que doi mais é o que nao tivemos, e doi mais ainda porque o que nao foi ja nunca sera. Pode-se repetir, mas nunca voltar. O que passou, ja foi.
E o que doi mais nao é nao estar contigo agora ou nao saber quando vou estar. O que doi mais é nao ter estado.
20101225
20101212
Snuff.
It's weird, because when David broke up with me I was like... I thought I would never do that to anyone. Like, breaking up with someone without an actual visible reason. But I just did it. And now I definitely get it. You can say that you can work through things even if you don't feel the same, but sometimes it's just not worth it. Sometimes you just know it won't be worth it in the end.
I still love Ricardo, but I can't do this right now. I'm not in love anymore, and I can't lie to myself anymore about that. Things have been going downhill from there and they would only be getting worst, and it's not worth it. It's not worth it when I'm only 17 and have a whole lot more to live. It could be worth it if I was 28 or 30 and wanted to get married and settle down. Then, sure, I probably would stick with him and make things work. But not right now.
I want to go through a "slut" phase, I want to go through a "forever alone" phase, I want to focus on school for a while, I want a lot of things that I can't have as long as I have a boyfriend.
And that's why I don't regret anything. It was probably the best fucking year of my life. But you need to know when it's time to end it. You need to know when it's time to leave.
And right now, it's time to leave. It's time for me not to hold on to it anymore, 'cause I don't need it now. I am strong enough to be alone. I am strong enough to do a lot of things. He made me trust myself a lot more, he made me be proud of myself a lot more, and I'll forever be grateful of that. But he deserves someone who cares.
I still love Ricardo, but I can't do this right now. I'm not in love anymore, and I can't lie to myself anymore about that. Things have been going downhill from there and they would only be getting worst, and it's not worth it. It's not worth it when I'm only 17 and have a whole lot more to live. It could be worth it if I was 28 or 30 and wanted to get married and settle down. Then, sure, I probably would stick with him and make things work. But not right now.
I want to go through a "slut" phase, I want to go through a "forever alone" phase, I want to focus on school for a while, I want a lot of things that I can't have as long as I have a boyfriend.
And that's why I don't regret anything. It was probably the best fucking year of my life. But you need to know when it's time to end it. You need to know when it's time to leave.
And right now, it's time to leave. It's time for me not to hold on to it anymore, 'cause I don't need it now. I am strong enough to be alone. I am strong enough to do a lot of things. He made me trust myself a lot more, he made me be proud of myself a lot more, and I'll forever be grateful of that. But he deserves someone who cares.
20101206
"All I know is that I love you too much to walk away."
"Just gonna stand there and watch me burn,
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that's alright because I love the way you lie."
But that's alright because I like the way it hurts.
Just gonna stand there and hear me cry,
But that's alright because I love the way you lie."
20101122
Jimmy.
"I wish we had officially dated."
I wish I knew what I mean to you,
what I used to mean to you,
what were we.
I wish I knew if you still think about me,
if there's a part of you that wants to go back there.
I wish I still knew you.
I wish we were the same.
I wish time went by slower.
I wish I had never met you,
then I wouldn't have to miss you.
I wish things had been different,
but I wouldn't make them any different if I went back.
I wish there was a chance,
but I know there isn't.
I wish I could trust myself.
I wish my thoughts didn't lead me there,
all the time.
I wish I had ever had you.
I wish I had ever understood you.
I wish you were mine.
I wish I knew what I mean to you,
what I used to mean to you,
what were we.
I wish I knew if you still think about me,
if there's a part of you that wants to go back there.
I wish I still knew you.
I wish we were the same.
I wish time went by slower.
I wish I had never met you,
then I wouldn't have to miss you.
I wish things had been different,
but I wouldn't make them any different if I went back.
I wish there was a chance,
but I know there isn't.
I wish I could trust myself.
I wish my thoughts didn't lead me there,
all the time.
I wish I had ever had you.
I wish I had ever understood you.
I wish you were mine.
20101109
What do you want to do with your life? Family, career, personal goals, etc.
well, I am still in an age where I like to daydream and think that what I daydream is possible. I do change my mind very often, though. I'd really like to pursue a career in diplomacy, and while I thought that it would be too hard to conciliate that with having a family, my mother has conveniently showed her interest in travel around the world with me to babysit her grandchildren. LOL. since I know that a career in diplomacy is not something that happens overnight, I'd like to be a translator aswell, or while I try to be a diplomat. Since portuguese is gaining more influence because of Brazil (and I can fake a brazilian accent if that's needed! LOL.), and I'm already fluent in English, I could be a portuguese translator in England or Usa, for example, but I'd also like to learn Chinese and Japanese. I just know it will be hard for me to become fluent at those languages if I start learning them at 18, without having much contact at all with either so far.
Family wise, as I said, I want to have kids. I'm not sure if I want to get married, but even if I don't actually get married, I want a partner. someone to be there for me and to grow old with.
Other than that, I'd like to travel as much as I can, really, and try to contribute to stoping racism and intolerance, and basically any prejudice in the world, in some way.
I guess that's pretty much all that I have right now. I'll build my future while it happens, nothing is written in stone yet.
20100829
À minha maneira.
Eu gostava bastante que alguém me explicasse porque é que quando eu chego à festa o brasileiro está a gritar "Porto Alegre" como se não houvesse amanhã.
A única razão que encontro é que ele não tem grande amor à vida, porque a minha vontade foi dar-lhe um estalo para o calar.
A única razão que encontro é que ele não tem grande amor à vida, porque a minha vontade foi dar-lhe um estalo para o calar.
20100624
Over You
Now that it's all said and done,
I can't believe you were the one
To build me up then tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
And What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me...
Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.
Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
I got over you,
I got over you,
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
To build me up then tear me down,
Like an old abandoned house.
And What you said when you left
Just left me cold and out of breath.
I fell too far, was in way too deep
Guess I let you get the best of me...
Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you
You took a hammer to these walls,
Dragged the memories down the hall,
Packed your bags and walked away.
There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut,
A lot of others opened up,
So did my eyes so I could see
That you never were the best for me.
Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I'm better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
Well, I never saw it coming
I should've started running
A long, long time ago
And I never thought to doubt you,
I’m better off without you
More than you, more than you know.
I'm slowly getting closure
I guess it's really over
I'm finally getting better
Now I'm picking up the pieces
I'm spending all of these years
Putting my heart back together.
I'm putting my heart back together,
'Cause I got over you.
I got over you,
I got over you,
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through,
I got over you.
20100527
A Day Late
For some reason sometimes I can't stop myself.
It's not even like I'm not over it yet.
In a way, he was and will always be more than a boyfriend, even if we never officially dated, and, like he himself says, he was never mine.
But at the same time, I get the same kind of nostalgia when thinking about him that I get when thinking about an ex. I know it's wrong to miss the love, caring, the touch, but I can't help it.
I go through pages and pages of his recent notes, trying to get every glampse of him that I can, just to make sure he's still there.
To make sure he's still the same person. The same one that I loved.
I need to know that he's not fading away. I need to know if he's still as I remember him.
Sometimes I talk about this with other people, sometimes I keep it to myself.
The only person who should be mad about it, Ricardo, is the one that understands me the most. And that makes me feel funny, because I could only expect him to be mad. I'm used to it.
I keep on making the same mistakes over and over again.
Self-injury in a physical way, doesn't hurt much. But I keep injuring myself everytime I look at his pictures, everytime I go through his notes, everytime I attempt to talk to him.
Why does it have to be this way?
I'm as sure as I can be that I don't have feelings for him anymore, so why?
I just want my friend back. And I can't have that.
I know that I can't. Because with that comes so much more that I just can't handle...
I'm weak. I'm much too weak. I wish, I really wish I could handle him.
I can't.
I surround myself with people that treat me well, that spoil me sometimes, because my own dissertations are already too much for me to handle.
I spend half my days trying not to think.
I can't have someone to make me think even more. I can't.
But I want it. I want someone who can relate. I want someone to make me feel like I'm not absolutely crazy for some stuff. I need someone to wake me up sometimes.
I need him. So badly right now.
But I just can't.
It's not even like I'm not over it yet.
In a way, he was and will always be more than a boyfriend, even if we never officially dated, and, like he himself says, he was never mine.
But at the same time, I get the same kind of nostalgia when thinking about him that I get when thinking about an ex. I know it's wrong to miss the love, caring, the touch, but I can't help it.
I go through pages and pages of his recent notes, trying to get every glampse of him that I can, just to make sure he's still there.
To make sure he's still the same person. The same one that I loved.
I need to know that he's not fading away. I need to know if he's still as I remember him.
Sometimes I talk about this with other people, sometimes I keep it to myself.
The only person who should be mad about it, Ricardo, is the one that understands me the most. And that makes me feel funny, because I could only expect him to be mad. I'm used to it.
I keep on making the same mistakes over and over again.
Self-injury in a physical way, doesn't hurt much. But I keep injuring myself everytime I look at his pictures, everytime I go through his notes, everytime I attempt to talk to him.
Why does it have to be this way?
I'm as sure as I can be that I don't have feelings for him anymore, so why?
I just want my friend back. And I can't have that.
I know that I can't. Because with that comes so much more that I just can't handle...
I'm weak. I'm much too weak. I wish, I really wish I could handle him.
I can't.
I surround myself with people that treat me well, that spoil me sometimes, because my own dissertations are already too much for me to handle.
I spend half my days trying not to think.
I can't have someone to make me think even more. I can't.
But I want it. I want someone who can relate. I want someone to make me feel like I'm not absolutely crazy for some stuff. I need someone to wake me up sometimes.
I need him. So badly right now.
But I just can't.
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